Growth, and Letting Go

Lord knows it's been ages since I posted, what with my laptop crapping out and being without Internet for so long. There's been so much that's happened over the past year, I can't imagine where to begin. I'll most likely have to post a juicy, descriptive article on the goodies, drama and horrors that have ensued but I don't believe this will be the post. No, as I sit here at Books a Million, watching the time pass till I have to put on my tie and smile and go into work, there's one subject I feel the need to wash my hands of.

My sister has been posting some pretty absurd blogs regarding me and my decision to stop speaking to her. She feels the need to post publicly that I basically want nothing to do with her and plead her case to get as much sympathy as possible. Let me begin by saying how exhausting it is having to break morals down to someone who is supposed to be older and wiser than me. I still don't understand how someone can be so willingly insensitive, for years, and still have the nerve to stand behind their behavior even after they've jumped through hoops to look like a better person. When you step on someone you love's feelings, when you use them, when you hurt them, then deny it and turn any blame back onto them, that is not love. It is a delusion. My sister has picked me up then tossed me aside like a rag-doll since I can remember, punishing me for disagreeing with her by showing me how little she needs me, over and over and over again. And each time I've let it pass, because we're family. When she decided I was worthy to be back in her life, I was ready, but trusted her a little less each time. She's lived out of state for years now, doing her make-up thing in NY and now doing her missionary thing in Africa. Why such a switch? She's a dynamic chameleon. Whatever persona looks best on her, she pastes right on. We've kept in contact on the phone and online, mostly I get an update of whatever romantic drama she's soaking herself in at the time, and that's mostly the extent of our relationship, if you can call it that. She doesn't know me as a person anymore, because she's been away too long, because she is too focused on who she is and what's going on in her life, and because after this long, I know better than to let my guard down around her.

Now I'm older, living on my own with my fella in a little cottage by the woods, experiencing real love and acceptance that my mind and heart have to stretch to accept. I've learned how to work hard to keep a relationship going, about the sacrifices and compromises that you undertake without looking back. And you learn it's worth it, every moment of it. And it's pure. When you know you both are doing your best to be good to each other, it changes you as a person, and you know you can't do anything but fight for what you believe in. But it doesn't stop life from changing on you. Things you love fade or clash, and you find yourself open to warmth from people you don't usually expect it from. So then my sister comes back into play, initially playing the sweet sister then immediately segueing into non-stop stories of her life, and a gush of comments that pour out without a second thought, of course she steps on my toes. She says something unkind, inconsiderate as I am in a vulnerable state, and is confused as to why I might react, because she feels how she feels, and that's it. What she says and does to other people are filtered through her web of emotions that distort everything, just like the rest of us, but she is unwilling to recognize it. She is unwilling to recognize her actual behavior and deeds that accumulate to make her who she is, and when I push against them, and say they're hurtful or disrespectful, and unacceptable, she does not understand. She gets upset, pushes back. She does not listen, she automatically defends, and justifies and expects to win.

But she forgets that the substance of our relationship is brittle now from too much wear over time. She does not understand that I speak to her and listen, not out of obligation to her as family, but as a choice to have her in my life, just like any other relationship is a choice. Some relationships are bad decisions, sometimes they do not nurture you, or heal you, or help you to grow, in which case they are dysfunctional and useless unless they change. Patience is a treasure, it helps teach you to wait and see the complexity of things and people, and to make educated decisions. I've been patient, waiting for her to grow and see life and people clearer as a person. I've seen the potential and hopefully anticipated its bloom, but so much disappointment has made me weather-worn and tired. I don't have the will to wait expectantly for a growth I've seen little proof of over 22 years. After having been subjected to so much disrespect and deception, I've decided to do what's best for me, and let her go. She has her life, and lives it happily without seeing me or speaking to me regularly, the sister she believes in is mostly a memory of when I was too afraid to stick up for myself, to nice to talk back. She's been absent too long to witness the change, but she saw when she showed her colors again that mine had changed. I have no tolerance for those who are unkind to me, who disrespect me, and stand their ground while doing so. Why would I? I don't need it, it's not love. I walk away from it and spend my time with people who dislike the idea of behaving that way towards me, who show me they value my heart and my time.

I'm so happy I have people in my life who love me, who have taken the time and effort to show me what respect and kindness can grow into if you nurture them, the rewards they bring. Those relationships have filled my heart to the brim, and have opened my eyes to the naturalness of integrity, and I would not be the same person without them. I am sorry I had to let go of someone I have loved, it was not something I wanted to do. But I must make room for those who deserve and appreciate all the love give, and I must stop wasting my time and energy on those who are too unable or too unwilling see it. Part of the growth I am undergoing includes loving myself, and not just others. It includes defending myself and respecting myself, especially when others will not, and this is a test I believe I've passed. I made a decision that was difficult, and yet the best thing for me, and I feel the lightness of that fact and cannot bring myself to regret it.

She has made a big mess of the situation. Calling and venting to our mother about how irrational I'm being, posting blog after blog about how rough our family life has been, and all the reasons she has for her malfunctions, and all the ways I've hurt her by letting her go, without once acknowledging her own present actions as wrong or deserving of discourse. She does not see things the way they are, because she does not want to. And though it hurts, there is nothing I can do to change that. And that is the end of it.

I feel better now. Twas good blogging to you, Mr. Blogger Sir. I will try to type in you more often. Until next time!

Abigail