I've been quietly sitting in my room to relax my mind. It's a long story, how I got to the conclusion I'm about to share with you. Maybe I'll tell you the details someday, maybe I'll never tell another soul, but I just want to say to myself and whoever else might be reading:
Whatever your beliefs, whatever your theories, only put your trust in what feels authentic to you. Without explanation, without words, appreciate what authenticity you find. It's not about what you think you understand about your beliefs, it is about what you know to be true within you. It is about leaving your need to understand behind you, and trusting a truth you instinctively recognize. Truth is genuine, and we are meant to be attracted to it, because the truth sets us free. We all want to be free, which is perfect because we are all meant to be free. Freedom is an instinct. We all know truth when we feel it. We can try to forget it or convince ourselves it doesn't exist, but our mind doesn't create truth. It just exists. Our attraction to it connects us all. There is no need to prove it. It just is. So if what connects us is true without words, why spin our words around to correct perfection? If it is true, it is true for us all. We are whole. But we don't believe it. We don't believe we are perfect, we believe we are very imperfect. But riddle me this ... if truth is perfect, wouldn't imperfection, in nature, be untruth? Does that not mean the imperfections attached to us, the imperfections that "make us human" are lies? Put your trust only in truth, perfection, and beauty. Everything else is a lie. The proof is in the freedom.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Spring has Sprung!
Oh I do love Spring ever so much. It always seems to have perfect timing. Maybe this is because winter can be so damn harsh, the warmth is always hoped for. This year I spent Spring Break with Andrew, I went to Arkansas to pick him up on a Thursday night and we drove back early Friday morning. And by "early" I mean, one o'clock in the morning. It was an adventure. We said our "Hello there's" as I like to call them, which end up with my hair looking even more wild than it had already been from driving for 4 1/2 hours.
Andrew packed so quickly, all we had left to do was to get some pants on and use the restroom. We ran some errands, which included some late-night library book returns, which made me melancholy that I'm no longer allowed to borrow books from the Tulsa Library (long story). We snatched some Wendy's then we were on our way back to Oklahoma. This is often our routine whenever we can afford enough time to see each other. Long distance relationships are tricky. But we have a blast. I played some Andrew Bird he'd never heard and I helped him keep an eye out for deer near the road that twisted and curved through the forest. I like being in the passenger seat on that highway, so I can look up at the stars and reassure myself we're not in some woodsy tunnel that goes on for hours. Also, because the starts are beautiful, and I miss them when I'm among the cluttered bright lights of Tulsa.
As the night and the driving went on, we kept ourselves awake with music we loved singing to. Besides making a stop at a little gas station for a 5 Hour Energy shot for Andrew and a Pepto-Bismal for my road-dizzy stomach. We listened to dozens of songs from bands like Built To Spill, Bowie, and the soundtrack to Hedwig and the Angry Inch. We sang and danced and smoked cigarettes and chewed gum and got into Tulsa around 5:00am.
Here's something not too many people know about me: I cry often. So after Andrew and I had gotten in and collapsed on my bed for awhile then got out of my creaky bed to say our Hello There's once again, we returned to my very creaky bed to sleep at last. I stayed up looking at the shadows on my ceiling and rested to the feel of his breathing on the back of my neck, listening to the music he'd put on.
I cried because I was thankful for that moment. After lying there for awhile, I got my notebook and took these notes from the moment.
"The road to happiness is flooded with tears.
Be here now.
Oh my stars.
Tears are highest gratitude.
Sing not only for each other, but most intently for yourselves, so that the beauty will be purified from within and flow out through your very being, so that your very touch will sing with love."
Hooray for spring! Finally my ability to see things with poetical randomness has thawed. Now, it's well passed Spring Break, and I'm getting myself back to my daily life, without Andrew - or Lori =( - to spend my days with. I have to spend more time with myself than usual. This is also because I don't have the money to go anywhere. So this beautiful weekend I've spent cleaning my room and reading Fables. Don't get me started. It's a graphic novel that I love. Also, I've been listening to Jeremy Enigk and Mazzy Star with the window open while burning candles and incense and laying in bed. I have no complaints, except I wish I had enough gas to go to the park and lounge. But ah well. There will be more beautiful days, I hope.
That Friday was the last day of winter, and it was the sunniest, breeziest, most beautiful day of the year. Andrew and sat and ate outside an Italian-Mediterranean Fusion cafe, he took pictures of our food and jotted down his review in his Foodie journal, and I played Sudoku. Later that evening we went to our friends Kim and Brenton's house to have a cook out. Kim and Brenton are some of my favorite people. They're very spiritual, and quirky. Brenton has hair down to his lumbar, a keg on tap, a wii, and the most contagious laugh I've ever heard. Kim is always smiling, she makes jewelry and dresses, and loves dancing and smoking cigarettes. That night we sat on the back porch and drank wine and laughed and watched the sun set. At some point of the evening, Kim and I got to talking about ourselves as young girls, and Kim leaned over to me and told me delicately "No matter how old you get, or what happens, you're always that girl. It's just a matter of seeing it." This is why I love Kim.
It rained that night while we were still sitting outside. By the next morning it was snowing. On the first day of Spring. Seriously?
Anyway Andre and I had a good spring break. We were really young and playful this time. One day we went to eat at Mr. Taco and ate delicious greasy food, then went to Starship Records and looked through all the records we couldn't afford. Another day we went to see Alice in Wonderland, ate at Schlotzky's, went to the Library, then went to Toys'R'Us and fought with foam swords, and then got ice cream at Baskin Robbins. On another day, we got gyros and baba ganush and had a picnic in the park and cuddled. We also have gotten into the habit of calling each other Baby. Whew.
Unfortunately Andrew missed some of the lovelier days spring had to offer. This weekend has been beautiful. I've hardly left my room, but I've been sunbathing all weekend so who can say I haven't been enjoying the weather? Dear lord, I think I'm a human cat.
Meow.
Andrew packed so quickly, all we had left to do was to get some pants on and use the restroom. We ran some errands, which included some late-night library book returns, which made me melancholy that I'm no longer allowed to borrow books from the Tulsa Library (long story). We snatched some Wendy's then we were on our way back to Oklahoma. This is often our routine whenever we can afford enough time to see each other. Long distance relationships are tricky. But we have a blast. I played some Andrew Bird he'd never heard and I helped him keep an eye out for deer near the road that twisted and curved through the forest. I like being in the passenger seat on that highway, so I can look up at the stars and reassure myself we're not in some woodsy tunnel that goes on for hours. Also, because the starts are beautiful, and I miss them when I'm among the cluttered bright lights of Tulsa.
As the night and the driving went on, we kept ourselves awake with music we loved singing to. Besides making a stop at a little gas station for a 5 Hour Energy shot for Andrew and a Pepto-Bismal for my road-dizzy stomach. We listened to dozens of songs from bands like Built To Spill, Bowie, and the soundtrack to Hedwig and the Angry Inch. We sang and danced and smoked cigarettes and chewed gum and got into Tulsa around 5:00am.
Here's something not too many people know about me: I cry often. So after Andrew and I had gotten in and collapsed on my bed for awhile then got out of my creaky bed to say our Hello There's once again, we returned to my very creaky bed to sleep at last. I stayed up looking at the shadows on my ceiling and rested to the feel of his breathing on the back of my neck, listening to the music he'd put on.
I cried because I was thankful for that moment. After lying there for awhile, I got my notebook and took these notes from the moment.
"The road to happiness is flooded with tears.
Be here now.
Oh my stars.
Tears are highest gratitude.
Sing not only for each other, but most intently for yourselves, so that the beauty will be purified from within and flow out through your very being, so that your very touch will sing with love."
Hooray for spring! Finally my ability to see things with poetical randomness has thawed. Now, it's well passed Spring Break, and I'm getting myself back to my daily life, without Andrew - or Lori =( - to spend my days with. I have to spend more time with myself than usual. This is also because I don't have the money to go anywhere. So this beautiful weekend I've spent cleaning my room and reading Fables. Don't get me started. It's a graphic novel that I love. Also, I've been listening to Jeremy Enigk and Mazzy Star with the window open while burning candles and incense and laying in bed. I have no complaints, except I wish I had enough gas to go to the park and lounge. But ah well. There will be more beautiful days, I hope.
That Friday was the last day of winter, and it was the sunniest, breeziest, most beautiful day of the year. Andrew and sat and ate outside an Italian-Mediterranean Fusion cafe, he took pictures of our food and jotted down his review in his Foodie journal, and I played Sudoku. Later that evening we went to our friends Kim and Brenton's house to have a cook out. Kim and Brenton are some of my favorite people. They're very spiritual, and quirky. Brenton has hair down to his lumbar, a keg on tap, a wii, and the most contagious laugh I've ever heard. Kim is always smiling, she makes jewelry and dresses, and loves dancing and smoking cigarettes. That night we sat on the back porch and drank wine and laughed and watched the sun set. At some point of the evening, Kim and I got to talking about ourselves as young girls, and Kim leaned over to me and told me delicately "No matter how old you get, or what happens, you're always that girl. It's just a matter of seeing it." This is why I love Kim.
It rained that night while we were still sitting outside. By the next morning it was snowing. On the first day of Spring. Seriously?
Anyway Andre and I had a good spring break. We were really young and playful this time. One day we went to eat at Mr. Taco and ate delicious greasy food, then went to Starship Records and looked through all the records we couldn't afford. Another day we went to see Alice in Wonderland, ate at Schlotzky's, went to the Library, then went to Toys'R'Us and fought with foam swords, and then got ice cream at Baskin Robbins. On another day, we got gyros and baba ganush and had a picnic in the park and cuddled. We also have gotten into the habit of calling each other Baby. Whew.
Unfortunately Andrew missed some of the lovelier days spring had to offer. This weekend has been beautiful. I've hardly left my room, but I've been sunbathing all weekend so who can say I haven't been enjoying the weather? Dear lord, I think I'm a human cat.
Meow.
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