I'm so happy I've been writing again. It's so obvious how good it is for me. When I write out my thoughts and passions, I can focus on what's important to me. I don't get as bogged down and overwhelmed by things. They don't make a sticky cluster of worry in my head when I write them out. I just try to come up with a solution for what bothers me, and if I can't, then I try to be patient. That is not at all how I function when I don't write. I got holed up in my room, trapped by everything I can't change until I'm completely detached from the present. I get stuck without writing. I don't let things flow out of me like they should, I get pent up and flustered until I can't see things clearly. Realizing it's my own doing doesn't help, it just gives me a reason to be more miserable most of the time. Unless I can find my center, that is. And that's exactly what writing helps me with. It helps me remember who it is I really am, and what it is really believe in, and to let go of the rest because I start remembering that anything else is just baggage.
Anyway, I have to go to work. I got stuck at this crappy book store instead of being allowed to go in early, but it was nice to get to write again.
Until next time!
Abbi
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Truth and Love
All right, Mr. Blogger Sir, I'm inspired again. By what? Oh, by so many things. But let me get warmed up first by going back to last week when I spilt my guts to you in a very real way by saying that I'm detaching from my sister for the time being. Mainly because she's remained melodramatic and narcissistic well into her late-twenties, and having been absent only 8 years out of her 30, I've experienced enough soap-opera material to put Guiding Light to shame, and would really rather not digest any more. With that being said, I have to mention one teensy weensy yet particularly sad move on her part before I go on to speaking about what actually matters. I mentioned before that she blogs as well and has been posting things about me for the past week or so. I could copy over all of what she said, but I don't need the writer's block. She mostly said a lot of half-baked things. Few of them made sense, even fewer were honest, especially when they concerned herself. She spoke a lot of god (and I mean a lot) and also the action-reaction dynamic as seen through Christianity.
She claims to reflect on action-reaction often, though it seems if she had, we would not be in the situation we are in, but I can go on about that some other time. Something she said on her most recent entry opened my eyes quite a bit to her perception of things. After going on about her recent purchase of plane tickets to Africa, which she believes to be the will of god, she made a list of occurances that have been sent by "the enemy" to knock her off course in the same week. Apparently her behaving calously and my decision not to take it any longer was dramatic enough to make the list, though there's no way in hell she'd put it that way. Alas, I only made number three on her list. Check out my new label:
"3- My sister, who is not serving the Lord, etc gets upset with me, slings crazy amounts of insults, nothing I said or did would fix it. And now she is no longer speaking to me. - ironic that this all happened in one week,"
Mind you, I have not said one single disrespectful thing about her religion, and displayed nothing but support when she decided to move to Africa to do missions, even though I don't believe in the same things she believes. So when did I get simplified down into the prodigal sister/non-believer? When I stood my ground, and respected what I believed in. And isn't that always the case when dealing with radical people? I tend not to label myself, because I know that whatever I say I am is just going to distort the truth of who I really am, and what I really believe.
I used to call myself a Christian, and I used to call myself a Jew, and I used to call myself a Believer, but at some point those words drew a blank for me. I stopped believing that they told me anything about myself or anyone else. They are words, and names we attach meanings to and nothing else. And when I see gatherings of Christians or Jews or Muslims or Athiests or Buddhists, it's the same thing as seeing gatherings of Wandas or Jennifers or Tonys or Bills. They're just names, and I don't believe I can get any true impression of the people by what they call themselves. If you know I go by the name Abigail, what does that tell you about me? Only the name I go by.
But having grown up in a strict Christian house-hold, I have to add that there is a particular reason I don't call myself a Christian anymore. It's not just because I no longer believe Jesus came back to life and in so doing made it possible for those who know him to find inner peace. It's mostly because of the attitude that you seem obligated to take on after becoming a Christian. What attitude is that? The proselytizing attitude. The idea that those who believe in Jesus are on the right track just by believing, and have the task to spread the righteousness onto others, and convert them to their way of life. There's the belief that those who don't believe are simply wrong, either because they don't know any better, or because they are willingly throwing their life away. When they share their beliefs, it's not to cease judgment and replace it with love and kindness for their fellow man. They pretend it is. But the idea is to condescent and convince others Jesus is the only way into happiness. They say this is what the man who lived and died ages ago did for his fellow man, and this is what he would do today, if he was still alive. Which he is not. And they believe he would write you off as an un-believer in his little black book if you didn't follow him like a sheep. Though he spoke strongly against such attitudes. So why is this such a prominent attitude. Because they believe, above all else, they are right and others are wrong.
This mentality is what alienates and segregates people, it is the sin we are comitting. This is what blinds us from seeing clearly. We all want to know the truth, we are all searching for it, and we all come up with different results, because none of us are looking through the same eyes. None of us have lived the same lives, what is true to us cannot and will never be 100% true to anyone else. And we must respect each other's right to come to his or her own conclusions without the need to judge or agree, because other people's theories and ideas and opinions are just that. We don't need to compare everything we believe or doubt because we don't even know. And any attempt to display it to someone else will be inaccurate. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just what comes with having a man-made library of symbology as a tool for communication. It's flawed. It's us. There's always lost elements when we attempt to communicate with one another, but we can feel when someone is trying to communicate something coming from the integrity they have within them, because it's an integrity we all have, that we can recognize easily unless we keep ourselves from it. Our honesty, our courage, our faith, our imagination, our love that makes us who we are as human beings.
Love is acceptance without judgment. If you see someone who is not like you, and think they should be like you, you are not loving them. You are projecting your own opinions onto them, and disrespecting their right to be whatever they want. If you see someone different who is in pain, and think they would be better if they were like you, you are not loving them, you are not trying to heal them. You are trying to change them for your own personal reasons. You are faking love in order to manipulate someone. You are lying.
The stories in the ancient books can be beautiful and helpful, because they are written by people trying to share something important they've learned and pass it on. Whether it be in metaphor, or honest depiction, it's always just a story somebody wrote. It may be a beautiful story. It might be true, but we can't know it for sure because we weren't there, we didn't write it. So the best we can do is search for what feels right, instead of automatically assuming everything is.
Most of the wise people who lived long ago had this one message in common: You find heaven and peace by loving. That is the way, the truth, and the light. And we can fill our days with tradition and prayers and discipline but we are empty unless we see the need to love people equally as family. If we neglect to see we are all made of the same things, that we are one, together, no matter our beliefs, we are fruitless. Barren. We cannot produce love, no matter how many times we read a book or pray to fill the emptiness we've created.
Whew, I need to wind down now. I'm glad I got this out. I'm glad I'm following my heart and loving people and life as best as I can. I'm glad I'm not caught up believing distracting stories as much as I used to. I'm still learning to sniff out the fiction, but I am so looking forward to the day I will see life clearly. without the lies and superstition that distort it. I will finally see heaven. If I am labeled an un-believer by believing such a thing, I am proud. I am proud to say I am still learning, that I am still trying, that I am beginning not to believe in some abstract source of peace and strength, but tuning into what has been within me all along. The force that created the universe and this tiny planet that has the freshest air and the greenest grass and the bluest water needs no name. It lives beyond language and understanding, and when I remember that, I stop trying get knowledge. I only accept what is, and accept my cluelessness as a gateway to great peace.
Until next time
Abigail
"It is because you claim to have sight that you are blind"
-Jesus
She claims to reflect on action-reaction often, though it seems if she had, we would not be in the situation we are in, but I can go on about that some other time. Something she said on her most recent entry opened my eyes quite a bit to her perception of things. After going on about her recent purchase of plane tickets to Africa, which she believes to be the will of god, she made a list of occurances that have been sent by "the enemy" to knock her off course in the same week. Apparently her behaving calously and my decision not to take it any longer was dramatic enough to make the list, though there's no way in hell she'd put it that way. Alas, I only made number three on her list. Check out my new label:
"3- My sister, who is not serving the Lord, etc gets upset with me, slings crazy amounts of insults, nothing I said or did would fix it. And now she is no longer speaking to me. - ironic that this all happened in one week,"
Mind you, I have not said one single disrespectful thing about her religion, and displayed nothing but support when she decided to move to Africa to do missions, even though I don't believe in the same things she believes. So when did I get simplified down into the prodigal sister/non-believer? When I stood my ground, and respected what I believed in. And isn't that always the case when dealing with radical people? I tend not to label myself, because I know that whatever I say I am is just going to distort the truth of who I really am, and what I really believe.
I used to call myself a Christian, and I used to call myself a Jew, and I used to call myself a Believer, but at some point those words drew a blank for me. I stopped believing that they told me anything about myself or anyone else. They are words, and names we attach meanings to and nothing else. And when I see gatherings of Christians or Jews or Muslims or Athiests or Buddhists, it's the same thing as seeing gatherings of Wandas or Jennifers or Tonys or Bills. They're just names, and I don't believe I can get any true impression of the people by what they call themselves. If you know I go by the name Abigail, what does that tell you about me? Only the name I go by.
But having grown up in a strict Christian house-hold, I have to add that there is a particular reason I don't call myself a Christian anymore. It's not just because I no longer believe Jesus came back to life and in so doing made it possible for those who know him to find inner peace. It's mostly because of the attitude that you seem obligated to take on after becoming a Christian. What attitude is that? The proselytizing attitude. The idea that those who believe in Jesus are on the right track just by believing, and have the task to spread the righteousness onto others, and convert them to their way of life. There's the belief that those who don't believe are simply wrong, either because they don't know any better, or because they are willingly throwing their life away. When they share their beliefs, it's not to cease judgment and replace it with love and kindness for their fellow man. They pretend it is. But the idea is to condescent and convince others Jesus is the only way into happiness. They say this is what the man who lived and died ages ago did for his fellow man, and this is what he would do today, if he was still alive. Which he is not. And they believe he would write you off as an un-believer in his little black book if you didn't follow him like a sheep. Though he spoke strongly against such attitudes. So why is this such a prominent attitude. Because they believe, above all else, they are right and others are wrong.
This mentality is what alienates and segregates people, it is the sin we are comitting. This is what blinds us from seeing clearly. We all want to know the truth, we are all searching for it, and we all come up with different results, because none of us are looking through the same eyes. None of us have lived the same lives, what is true to us cannot and will never be 100% true to anyone else. And we must respect each other's right to come to his or her own conclusions without the need to judge or agree, because other people's theories and ideas and opinions are just that. We don't need to compare everything we believe or doubt because we don't even know. And any attempt to display it to someone else will be inaccurate. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just what comes with having a man-made library of symbology as a tool for communication. It's flawed. It's us. There's always lost elements when we attempt to communicate with one another, but we can feel when someone is trying to communicate something coming from the integrity they have within them, because it's an integrity we all have, that we can recognize easily unless we keep ourselves from it. Our honesty, our courage, our faith, our imagination, our love that makes us who we are as human beings.
Love is acceptance without judgment. If you see someone who is not like you, and think they should be like you, you are not loving them. You are projecting your own opinions onto them, and disrespecting their right to be whatever they want. If you see someone different who is in pain, and think they would be better if they were like you, you are not loving them, you are not trying to heal them. You are trying to change them for your own personal reasons. You are faking love in order to manipulate someone. You are lying.
The stories in the ancient books can be beautiful and helpful, because they are written by people trying to share something important they've learned and pass it on. Whether it be in metaphor, or honest depiction, it's always just a story somebody wrote. It may be a beautiful story. It might be true, but we can't know it for sure because we weren't there, we didn't write it. So the best we can do is search for what feels right, instead of automatically assuming everything is.
Most of the wise people who lived long ago had this one message in common: You find heaven and peace by loving. That is the way, the truth, and the light. And we can fill our days with tradition and prayers and discipline but we are empty unless we see the need to love people equally as family. If we neglect to see we are all made of the same things, that we are one, together, no matter our beliefs, we are fruitless. Barren. We cannot produce love, no matter how many times we read a book or pray to fill the emptiness we've created.
Whew, I need to wind down now. I'm glad I got this out. I'm glad I'm following my heart and loving people and life as best as I can. I'm glad I'm not caught up believing distracting stories as much as I used to. I'm still learning to sniff out the fiction, but I am so looking forward to the day I will see life clearly. without the lies and superstition that distort it. I will finally see heaven. If I am labeled an un-believer by believing such a thing, I am proud. I am proud to say I am still learning, that I am still trying, that I am beginning not to believe in some abstract source of peace and strength, but tuning into what has been within me all along. The force that created the universe and this tiny planet that has the freshest air and the greenest grass and the bluest water needs no name. It lives beyond language and understanding, and when I remember that, I stop trying get knowledge. I only accept what is, and accept my cluelessness as a gateway to great peace.
Until next time
Abigail
"It is because you claim to have sight that you are blind"
-Jesus
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Growth, and Letting Go
Lord knows it's been ages since I posted, what with my laptop crapping out and being without Internet for so long. There's been so much that's happened over the past year, I can't imagine where to begin. I'll most likely have to post a juicy, descriptive article on the goodies, drama and horrors that have ensued but I don't believe this will be the post. No, as I sit here at Books a Million, watching the time pass till I have to put on my tie and smile and go into work, there's one subject I feel the need to wash my hands of.
My sister has been posting some pretty absurd blogs regarding me and my decision to stop speaking to her. She feels the need to post publicly that I basically want nothing to do with her and plead her case to get as much sympathy as possible. Let me begin by saying how exhausting it is having to break morals down to someone who is supposed to be older and wiser than me. I still don't understand how someone can be so willingly insensitive, for years, and still have the nerve to stand behind their behavior even after they've jumped through hoops to look like a better person. When you step on someone you love's feelings, when you use them, when you hurt them, then deny it and turn any blame back onto them, that is not love. It is a delusion. My sister has picked me up then tossed me aside like a rag-doll since I can remember, punishing me for disagreeing with her by showing me how little she needs me, over and over and over again. And each time I've let it pass, because we're family. When she decided I was worthy to be back in her life, I was ready, but trusted her a little less each time. She's lived out of state for years now, doing her make-up thing in NY and now doing her missionary thing in Africa. Why such a switch? She's a dynamic chameleon. Whatever persona looks best on her, she pastes right on. We've kept in contact on the phone and online, mostly I get an update of whatever romantic drama she's soaking herself in at the time, and that's mostly the extent of our relationship, if you can call it that. She doesn't know me as a person anymore, because she's been away too long, because she is too focused on who she is and what's going on in her life, and because after this long, I know better than to let my guard down around her.
Now I'm older, living on my own with my fella in a little cottage by the woods, experiencing real love and acceptance that my mind and heart have to stretch to accept. I've learned how to work hard to keep a relationship going, about the sacrifices and compromises that you undertake without looking back. And you learn it's worth it, every moment of it. And it's pure. When you know you both are doing your best to be good to each other, it changes you as a person, and you know you can't do anything but fight for what you believe in. But it doesn't stop life from changing on you. Things you love fade or clash, and you find yourself open to warmth from people you don't usually expect it from. So then my sister comes back into play, initially playing the sweet sister then immediately segueing into non-stop stories of her life, and a gush of comments that pour out without a second thought, of course she steps on my toes. She says something unkind, inconsiderate as I am in a vulnerable state, and is confused as to why I might react, because she feels how she feels, and that's it. What she says and does to other people are filtered through her web of emotions that distort everything, just like the rest of us, but she is unwilling to recognize it. She is unwilling to recognize her actual behavior and deeds that accumulate to make her who she is, and when I push against them, and say they're hurtful or disrespectful, and unacceptable, she does not understand. She gets upset, pushes back. She does not listen, she automatically defends, and justifies and expects to win.
But she forgets that the substance of our relationship is brittle now from too much wear over time. She does not understand that I speak to her and listen, not out of obligation to her as family, but as a choice to have her in my life, just like any other relationship is a choice. Some relationships are bad decisions, sometimes they do not nurture you, or heal you, or help you to grow, in which case they are dysfunctional and useless unless they change. Patience is a treasure, it helps teach you to wait and see the complexity of things and people, and to make educated decisions. I've been patient, waiting for her to grow and see life and people clearer as a person. I've seen the potential and hopefully anticipated its bloom, but so much disappointment has made me weather-worn and tired. I don't have the will to wait expectantly for a growth I've seen little proof of over 22 years. After having been subjected to so much disrespect and deception, I've decided to do what's best for me, and let her go. She has her life, and lives it happily without seeing me or speaking to me regularly, the sister she believes in is mostly a memory of when I was too afraid to stick up for myself, to nice to talk back. She's been absent too long to witness the change, but she saw when she showed her colors again that mine had changed. I have no tolerance for those who are unkind to me, who disrespect me, and stand their ground while doing so. Why would I? I don't need it, it's not love. I walk away from it and spend my time with people who dislike the idea of behaving that way towards me, who show me they value my heart and my time.
I'm so happy I have people in my life who love me, who have taken the time and effort to show me what respect and kindness can grow into if you nurture them, the rewards they bring. Those relationships have filled my heart to the brim, and have opened my eyes to the naturalness of integrity, and I would not be the same person without them. I am sorry I had to let go of someone I have loved, it was not something I wanted to do. But I must make room for those who deserve and appreciate all the love give, and I must stop wasting my time and energy on those who are too unable or too unwilling see it. Part of the growth I am undergoing includes loving myself, and not just others. It includes defending myself and respecting myself, especially when others will not, and this is a test I believe I've passed. I made a decision that was difficult, and yet the best thing for me, and I feel the lightness of that fact and cannot bring myself to regret it.
She has made a big mess of the situation. Calling and venting to our mother about how irrational I'm being, posting blog after blog about how rough our family life has been, and all the reasons she has for her malfunctions, and all the ways I've hurt her by letting her go, without once acknowledging her own present actions as wrong or deserving of discourse. She does not see things the way they are, because she does not want to. And though it hurts, there is nothing I can do to change that. And that is the end of it.
I feel better now. Twas good blogging to you, Mr. Blogger Sir. I will try to type in you more often. Until next time!
Abigail
My sister has been posting some pretty absurd blogs regarding me and my decision to stop speaking to her. She feels the need to post publicly that I basically want nothing to do with her and plead her case to get as much sympathy as possible. Let me begin by saying how exhausting it is having to break morals down to someone who is supposed to be older and wiser than me. I still don't understand how someone can be so willingly insensitive, for years, and still have the nerve to stand behind their behavior even after they've jumped through hoops to look like a better person. When you step on someone you love's feelings, when you use them, when you hurt them, then deny it and turn any blame back onto them, that is not love. It is a delusion. My sister has picked me up then tossed me aside like a rag-doll since I can remember, punishing me for disagreeing with her by showing me how little she needs me, over and over and over again. And each time I've let it pass, because we're family. When she decided I was worthy to be back in her life, I was ready, but trusted her a little less each time. She's lived out of state for years now, doing her make-up thing in NY and now doing her missionary thing in Africa. Why such a switch? She's a dynamic chameleon. Whatever persona looks best on her, she pastes right on. We've kept in contact on the phone and online, mostly I get an update of whatever romantic drama she's soaking herself in at the time, and that's mostly the extent of our relationship, if you can call it that. She doesn't know me as a person anymore, because she's been away too long, because she is too focused on who she is and what's going on in her life, and because after this long, I know better than to let my guard down around her.
Now I'm older, living on my own with my fella in a little cottage by the woods, experiencing real love and acceptance that my mind and heart have to stretch to accept. I've learned how to work hard to keep a relationship going, about the sacrifices and compromises that you undertake without looking back. And you learn it's worth it, every moment of it. And it's pure. When you know you both are doing your best to be good to each other, it changes you as a person, and you know you can't do anything but fight for what you believe in. But it doesn't stop life from changing on you. Things you love fade or clash, and you find yourself open to warmth from people you don't usually expect it from. So then my sister comes back into play, initially playing the sweet sister then immediately segueing into non-stop stories of her life, and a gush of comments that pour out without a second thought, of course she steps on my toes. She says something unkind, inconsiderate as I am in a vulnerable state, and is confused as to why I might react, because she feels how she feels, and that's it. What she says and does to other people are filtered through her web of emotions that distort everything, just like the rest of us, but she is unwilling to recognize it. She is unwilling to recognize her actual behavior and deeds that accumulate to make her who she is, and when I push against them, and say they're hurtful or disrespectful, and unacceptable, she does not understand. She gets upset, pushes back. She does not listen, she automatically defends, and justifies and expects to win.
But she forgets that the substance of our relationship is brittle now from too much wear over time. She does not understand that I speak to her and listen, not out of obligation to her as family, but as a choice to have her in my life, just like any other relationship is a choice. Some relationships are bad decisions, sometimes they do not nurture you, or heal you, or help you to grow, in which case they are dysfunctional and useless unless they change. Patience is a treasure, it helps teach you to wait and see the complexity of things and people, and to make educated decisions. I've been patient, waiting for her to grow and see life and people clearer as a person. I've seen the potential and hopefully anticipated its bloom, but so much disappointment has made me weather-worn and tired. I don't have the will to wait expectantly for a growth I've seen little proof of over 22 years. After having been subjected to so much disrespect and deception, I've decided to do what's best for me, and let her go. She has her life, and lives it happily without seeing me or speaking to me regularly, the sister she believes in is mostly a memory of when I was too afraid to stick up for myself, to nice to talk back. She's been absent too long to witness the change, but she saw when she showed her colors again that mine had changed. I have no tolerance for those who are unkind to me, who disrespect me, and stand their ground while doing so. Why would I? I don't need it, it's not love. I walk away from it and spend my time with people who dislike the idea of behaving that way towards me, who show me they value my heart and my time.
I'm so happy I have people in my life who love me, who have taken the time and effort to show me what respect and kindness can grow into if you nurture them, the rewards they bring. Those relationships have filled my heart to the brim, and have opened my eyes to the naturalness of integrity, and I would not be the same person without them. I am sorry I had to let go of someone I have loved, it was not something I wanted to do. But I must make room for those who deserve and appreciate all the love give, and I must stop wasting my time and energy on those who are too unable or too unwilling see it. Part of the growth I am undergoing includes loving myself, and not just others. It includes defending myself and respecting myself, especially when others will not, and this is a test I believe I've passed. I made a decision that was difficult, and yet the best thing for me, and I feel the lightness of that fact and cannot bring myself to regret it.
She has made a big mess of the situation. Calling and venting to our mother about how irrational I'm being, posting blog after blog about how rough our family life has been, and all the reasons she has for her malfunctions, and all the ways I've hurt her by letting her go, without once acknowledging her own present actions as wrong or deserving of discourse. She does not see things the way they are, because she does not want to. And though it hurts, there is nothing I can do to change that. And that is the end of it.
I feel better now. Twas good blogging to you, Mr. Blogger Sir. I will try to type in you more often. Until next time!
Abigail
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