Learning About Alters

I'm sitting here, typing this, with very little enthusiasm in my fingertips. I'm only writing this because I'm prompted to do so, not at all because I really want to talk about this. I honestly don't want this to be my reality. The fact that it is is quite troubling, and scary. But I'm not here to pity myself. I'm here to explore the shattered bits and piece of who I am, in a blind attempt to glue them together. And yet there are times when I am not so blind at all. There are parts of me that know all there is to know about what I've been through and who I am. Sometimes I see myself quite objectively and honestly, with open, constructive criticism that is neither soft, nor harsh.

The thing is, it's tremendously difficult to access that objective, logical side of me while feeling intense shame and guilt. There are walls between certain expressions and emotions, and some of those walls are very sturdy, and what's been hidden within them can be very sick.


I'm still getting to know "everyone" inside my head. A lot of the parts of me that have come forth (through journaling, and video journaling, both of which I'll be posting here soonish) have been very open and supportive. When I recorded some videos to discuss what's bothering me, it didn't take long before an Alter took over to finish the point I was struggling to make.

She was very verbally direct, unemotional, and intensely protective of me. She discussed my past abuse, and my current relationship with my family with a jadedness I hardly recognize. She regarded my family as cruel, heartless wastes of time and effort.

When she finished making her point, she stepped aside, and another Alter stepped up. This one was very gentle, patient and sympathetic. She explained to the camera, with great concern, that I've been struggling to cope with daily life, and that she has been encouraging me to stay positive and active.

Once she began discussing ways she tries to help me remain active, another younger, much more enthusiastic Alter basically shoved her way forward to talk about all the exciting activities she has planned for me. She talked happily about the fun things she wanted "us" to do now that Autumn is on its way. She admitted openly that she was younger than me, and that her job was to be free and enjoy herself, and keep me having fun.

I noticed she was the only one, in all the recordings, to refer to any other Alters by name. She referred to the sympathetic side as Miss Nicki, and briefly discussed being friends with Annie, who she said was a lot like her, but little, and sweeter. She also said "Annie has been Annie for a long time." So maybe Annie was my first Alter, and maybe this chipper side of me that recognizes other alters by name and function, knows a lot more about what's going on than I originally thought.

Still trying to piece together this twisted puzzle. one day at a time.

Until next time