Blind Girl/Little One's Eggs

I'll sing sing sing
like it's all in a dream
that twists down into
the darkest cave
and only my echoes will
bring me home

Oh it's so so sad
that I lost my sight
and that I always confused it
with my mind
And my blindness makes
the silence so bittersweet

Because even a blind girl
oh even alone
can see she's surrounded
Even a dumb girl
can tell she's taken care of
Taken down though
she may be
She can see, she can see
all the light
there has to be

Even after she's lost her sight
she's not so sad
as long as she doesn't confuse it
with her mind

~~~~~~~~

Oh clue me in, little one
What happened to you
That made you love all
the damage you do

That snake made to ravage
all the innocent ones
you were keeping so close

In your cold, dark slumber
I know you still wonder
what happened to your
most precious one

Oh what happened to you
to make them all prey
You said you would keep them
then took them away

All the damage you love
is sinking into
all the cracks and the gouges
they tore into you

What did they do
to that littlest one
they were keeping so close
that made you love all the damage
they poured into you

Little one, give me a clue
why you crushed it all into you
every bit you had left
to save from the snake
made to ravage the flesh
you were keeping so close

What happened to you
to make them all prey
you said you would keep them
then crushed them away

Stuck on Pause

When I began this blog, I started it with the intention of documenting my multifaceted life-lessons. But what do I share when I let my days slip through my fingers like water? I don't know what phase this is, but it is strange to me, and I don't know what I'm learning. There is apathy and laziness, but I feel there is more to it. I've swapped back to my nocturnal sleeping routine. Sunrise is bedtime, and I wake at sunset. And even when I wake, I don't always get out of bed, and sometimes I don't even wake up until I've slept the entire day away. I wish I could pin it on illness or depression, but I am unsure. I feel as though I am in a mysterious fog of malaise. I rarely leave the house, rarely go to see my friends. It's as if I'm beginning to hibernate, but during the season I normally flourish. My body is unusually exhausted, my thoughts dull. Even the family I live with wonder why I've been so absent.
I wish I had answers. I wish I knew why I feel as though I am on pause while everything else is moving by as usual. I rarely listen to music, rarely dance, or sing, or play, or laugh. I seem only to manage eating, sleeping, and bathing. But why? I usually have an idea. Some sort of perspective about my present situation, but it is a blur. I feel heavy, burdened by some invisible presence that has closed my eyes to everything that made me feel alive before.
I am happy to have my partner, my cat, and my family. But does that make me a happy person? I remember days I would go to the park by myself and walk for hours, soaking in the sunlight or the rainfall, and feel connected with life. I remember when interacting with people, listening to a song, or seeing a tree would fill me with childlike wonder. I could wear a brightly colored skirt and twirl in public without worrying that I stuck out like a sore thumb. I remember a freedom that I have lost. I see these ways I lived and associated wholeheartedly with myself as something so far away from the cubbyhole I've created for myself.
The thought of driving somewhere, socializing, or going upstairs exhausts me, and I only count the hours that I will be able to sleep again. But when I sleep, it is troubled sleep, with dreams of danger and loss and I wake up in a state of terror I cannot shake for the remainder of my day. But why? Why must I feel so separate from the Abbi I once knew? I can only hope I am in between versions of me.

Hoping for a better tomorrow